Stay at Home Mom

Almost two years ago when Jeremy and I had our son Ethan we made the decision that I would quite teaching and become a stay at home mom. This has come with many different reactions from friends and family, and some questions, (mostly from soon to be moms), such as: Do you like staying home? Do you miss teaching/wish you were still teaching? Do you get board? How has the transition from working to stay at home mom been? When are you going to go back to teaching/are you going to go back to teaching? Do you feel like getting your degree was a waste of time and money now that you just stay home? And the list goes on and on. I usually give a short answer telling them that I loved teaching, but it would not be the same now that I have Ethan. I love being a mom most of the time and plan to teach again when my kids are all in school (unless something happens with Jeremy’s job that I have to sooner). After talking with them I always wish I would have said more, or said something different to make sure they truly understand my feelings on being a stay at home mom.

These brief conversations are on my mind often, and I want to just take some time to try and organize my thoughts on being a stay at home mom and share them with all those who have asked questions, those women who are thinking about becoming stay at home moms, and all of you who just want to know what is on my mind.

I know that I am not a very experienced stay at home mom, (Two years the end of June), but I do know what it is like to make that change from working woman to stay at home mom, and I had the best example of a stay at home mom from my own mother. These are ten things I have learned from being a stay at home mom.

First, I have learned how hard it would be to put away a part of who I was for what I could and am becoming. Not everyone sees there job as who they are, but I loved teaching very much, and still talk about my one year as a real teacher. When I quit teaching it was harder and more emotional than I could have ever imagined. It truly felt like I was loosing a part of who I was. Sometimes in life we have to give up something good in the hopes of something better, and I was not disappointed. Even thought I still love my time I had as a teacher being a stay at home mom has been better. I have learned more about myself, life, the gospel and grown more as a person than I ever did as a teacher. And I know I am not done learning and growing.

I think I have also put away parts of me that I have since learned I don’t really need. Such as perfectly matching outfits, hair and make-up that is always done, along with a few hobbies that I just don’t find as much time for as I use to. I pull this part of me down every now an then, but I have found they are really not as important as I once thought. I guess being a stay at home mom has helped me priorities my life.

Second, I have learned that even though I am not using my degree technically it was not a waste of time or money. Getting my degree and teaching for a year gave me a sense of accomplishment and confidence that I did not have before. It also is a little bit of security that if anything did happen to Jeremy or with his job I could support my family. (Lets hope nothing every happens to Jeremy). I am also lucky enough that many of the things I learned to get my Elementary Ed. teaching degree I can use in teaching my own kids.

Third, I have learned that being a stay at home mom is not a ‘me’ thing it’s an ‘us’ thing. I stated earlier that Jeremy and I decided that I would stay home, and that is just how it was. I did not tell him I was going to be a stay at home mom, and he never told me I had to quite my job. We had of course talked about what we would do when we had children and then when we were blessed enough to get pregnant we talked about it some more. I shared my feeling about wanting to stay home, but that I would miss teaching. He talked about how he would like me to stay home, but if I wanted to keep working he would support that decision as well. We of course prayed and in the end we decided as a couple that the best things for our family would be for me to stay home. At the time I never thought a lot about how this decision would affect Jeremy. It has come with sacrifice and extra presser for Jeremy I know. Not that he complains about it, but some how a wife just knows. It is up to Jeremy to support us financially and make sure we can pay the bills. We would be going from two incomes to just one. We did not think this would be a problem because for the first two years of our marriage we had lived on just his income. We underestimated how much we had gotten use to having two incomes and also how much one little baby could cost us. Our bills have always been paid and we have more than we need. It is just that we noticed that we were going through our money faster than we thought. Thankfully, Jeremy is willing to work hard and has become a very valued employee. We continued to follow what we feel the Lord wanted us to do and Jeremy has been blessed with several significant raises in the past two years. Even with the economy being bad. This has helped us and continued to make it possible for me to stay home with Ethan. I will forever be grateful to Jeremy for the love and support he gives to me financially and emotionally so that I can be a stay at home mom. This is as much about him as it is about me.

Forth, I have learned that being a stay at home mom does not come with out sacrifices. I have already mentioned giving up teaching, but I am talking about as a family. We don’t go out to eat or to the movies as much anymore. You should see the car Jeremy drives to work. He has to get in the passenger side door and we put a cooler behind the driver’s seat so it will be up right. It gets great gas mileage though and we don’t have to pay any money on it. We have a very old TV, simple cell phones, and do not have satellite/ cable. Neither of us buys as many new clothes as we use to. (Jeremy more than me). There are many other small sacrifices that for the most part we really don’t mind. We only get envious when we see family and friends with all of their new toys or fun trips they take. (It is not like we are just scrapping by and never do anything, we just have to be more selective about the things we do and buy.) We chose to remain debt free and save/invest each month to be able to pay off our house in half the time). Because of these frugal practices, I know in the future we likely will never have a huge house, filled with all new thing. We will not go on as many big vacations as if I worked, our kids will not have every toy they want, or get to participate in every activity that comes their way because we will not be able to afford it. I don’t know if those things are really what we want for our kids anyway. In the end I hope that giving them my time and love will make up for the yearly big vacation, expensive toys, etc. I know that sometimes as a kid I wanted the newest toy my friend had, or to go some fun place they were going, but having my mom was way more important. Money and positions could never replace the time my mom gave us. My friends always wanted to be at our house because of my mom. I even had friends who called her mom. I hope I can make our home like this for our kids and their friends.

Fifth, I have learned that staying home is how I can be the best possible mother to my kids. After being a stay at home mom for a few months I started to wonder if it really mattered if I stayed home. I know good moms who work outside their home. I could be a good mom and work too. I loved being a stay at home mom, but I started to feel like if I could be a good mom and work also then maybe I was not contributing to our family enough by just staying home. Then the answer came to me at an adult session of stake conference. (The funny thing is they did not even talk about mothers, it was just the spirit talking to me because I really needed to hear this). I do not choose to be a stay at home mom because I want to be a better mother than everyone else. I choose to be a stay at home mother because it is how I can be the best possible mother to Ethan, and our soon to be baby. This may not be the best way for other women to be a good mom, but it is my way. I do not need to compare myself to other women or what they do. All that is expected of me is to do my best and staying home with my kids is how I have chosen to do that.

Sixth, I have learned to be confident in my decision. I was surprised at how many of my friends, family, coworkers, etc. were let’s say less than supportive of my decision to stay home. I still feel this from some, but I have to just let it go. I love being around those who I feel like support me, but unfortunately that is not everyone. Some how whenever I start questioning my decision I hear or read a church talk about motherhood. It is like a little personal message from the Lord telling me that my decision was right and to have confidence.

Seventh, I have learned staying home with your kids is hard work. Just like any other job there are a few boring moments, but not many. Unlike working outside the home there are not fifteen minute breaks, lunch or an end of the work day. In fact even my precious sleep time is not off limits. Thankfully, Jeremy is kind enough to take Ethan and let me have some me time on those really hard days, and I do get out occasionally to socialize with other women. I always said it would be work, but I had no idea how much, and I only have one and a half kids. I know that working all day then coming home to your kids is hard too, but at least you have a change in your day. I am just saying to all you who work outside the home, we are working just as hard in our homes. To quote one of my favorite movies A League of Their Own "It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The hard is what makes it great."

Eighth, I have learned that I could never make up for the love I give to Ethan during our days together at home. Being a stay at home mom I have had the opportunity to watch a few people’s kids. One day I realized that even though I may hold them, rock them, talk to them and take care of all their physical needs they are missing out on something. I started to pay attention to how many times a day I hug, kiss and tell Ethan I love him. I don’t think there is anyway to make up for the nine hours that Ethan and I are home alone together each day. I am so happy that Ethan gets told and shown how much I love him over and over again day after day. I hope that if anything ever happened to me, Ethan would know with out a doubt that I love him. That he could think about all the, I love you, hugs and kisses he had from me each day.

Ninth, I learned that just because I am a stay at home mom does not mean I am perfect. I loose my patience very quickly and sometimes get upset with Ethan. I have yelled when I should not have. Some days Ethan watches too much TV and I don’t read to him as much as I should. I do not take the opportunity to teach as much as I should. And although I had a perfect plan of how to discipline it sometimes flies out the window in stressful moments and I just give in so he will stop whining. Because of these things Ethan is also not perfect. He throws tantrums, hits, and bites sometimes. He is noisy and disruptive in church may weeks, and already likes to argue with me. My home is not always clean, the laundry is not always done, and I don’t always have dinner on the table when Jeremy gets home. The truth is Ethan and I are not always clean either. (Oh the simple things in life like taking a long hot shower). First of all we are home a lot more than others so we have more time to make a mess of our house, and second of all I have better things to do than make sure my house is perfect. Some days Ethan just needs held, or someone to play with him. I am learning slowly that this is more important than how clean my house is, or making a big fancy meal. More than ever before with this new baby coming into our home I am trying to stop and savor those moments with Ethan. I know our time as just the two of us is coming to an end quickly and he will no longer be my baby boy.

Tenth, I have learned that it is all worth it, and I do not regret any of my time at home. I think of how blessed I have been to be there for all of Ethan’s big milestone and the not so big ones. I am lucky enough to get to see the funny little things he does everyday and the new things he discovers and learns. I love the little moments we have together when he runs to give me a hug and a kiss. I love sitting and reading to him, chasing him around the house, or playing catch. And even though I really hate to see him hurt or sick I love to cuddle and rock him until it is better. These are the times that keep me going and remind me why I chose to be a stay at home mom. I am glad it is me that is there for all of those moments not someone else. I look back on these two year and think of how much he has changed and it breaks my heart to think of missing any of that.

To any of you thinking of being stay at home mom, I would just say it is hard work and will require sacrifice. Being a stay at home mom does not make you perfect, (far from it in my case), or your kids perfect. You will still have days that you don’t know if it is worth it, or if you are making a difference, but you are and it is worth it. I am grateful to be a stay at home mom and would not change it. I hope that if you are a stay at home mom you find as much joy in it as I have.

*To all the great women I have known. You probably don’t know them because they have spent their lives just being moms no more no less. Most of all to my very own mom who continues to take her role as my mother very seriously. I love you.